I had a mini revelation the other day. I was thinking about how I worry about all sorts of stupid little things about this pregnancy - like is diet soda safe or did the rum from the 3 bites of tiramisu I had hurt the babies. I often wish I could be like other people and just relax and enjoy things. I had always attributed my worrying to the fact that I had a miscarriage and that makes me extra cautious. But the truth is, I think I put too much stock in that theory. I'm not sure now that the miscarriage changed much of anything. I really think I would still be this insane if I had never lost a pregnancy. Or even if I got pregnant on the first try. I guess being a neurotic worrywart is just who I am. Pathetic, isn't it?
It's ironic that I write about this today, June 10, which was the EDD (Expected Due Date) of our first baby. It's bittersweet to think that I would either have a newborn right now or would be waiting impatiently to go into labor(and today is effing HOT!) I can't dwell on this for too long, because it does no good. Plus, if I hadn't miscarried, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with the twins, and I realize now that is how it was supposed to be. The miscarriage was a roadblock along the way - a painful and tragic roadblock - but it was part of our journey to become parents. And I'm having a healthy pregnancy now, which is all that matters.
On another note, I had another appointment with the perinatologist today, and everything looks good. Cervix is closed, heartbeats are right where they should be (145 and 153) and everything seems right on track. Now I just need to wait and let them hang out a few more months!
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