4 months

4 months ago today I got my BFP (Big Fat Positive). It was one of the best days of my life. After many months of wondering what the hell is going on with my body, we get the greatest news ever. We are having a baby! Any doubts I had about our fertility were thrown out the window, because I got pregnant without any meds, within the one year mark of going off the pill. We're normal!

Like any woman who finds out she's expecting, I am simultaneously ecstatic and panicked. I'm definitely a Nervous Nellie, so of course I start worrying about miscarriage. I know how common it is, and it's always in the back of my mind.

Even with the positive test, it took a while to sink in. I didn't really have many symptoms except some fatigue and slightly sore boobs. It didn't feel real. I couldn't believe there was actually a teeny living thing in there. I'm not sure if subconsciously I tried not to feel too attached, since I knew it was possible it wouldn't last.

It's hard to explain how I felt when I first saw the spotting. I panicked, called the doctor right away and was thankful they let me come in that afternoon. I knew it was a definite possibility that I was losing the pregnancy, but I also knew spotting can be common and can signify any number of things. I was able to stay positive and assume all was well until I heard otherwise. Then the red bleeding started.

I think that was when the pregnancy started to finally feel real. When I was faced with the possibility of losing it, I suddenly realized just how important it was. Any defense mechanism I was using to try and stay unattached completely backfired on me.

They say a man becomes a father when he sees his baby for the first time, and a woman becomes a mother when she finds out she's pregnant. I'm not sure if that is completely true, but it did raise some questions for me. Was I a mother? Was it a really a baby inside me or just a bunch of cells? I tried to think about it logically, that miscarriages are extremely common and this one just wasn't meant to be. But that made me feel worse. I needed to remember this whole experience not as a medical condition, but as our first real time as parents. I needed to recognize that I lost a baby, and for a mere 2 weeks, I was truly a mother. I had to let myself grieve and mourn, not just the pregnancy, but all the hopes and plans that went along with it.

After the loss, there were even more questions. What if it takes me another 11 cycles to get pregnant again? What if I do get pregnant again, and have another miscarriage? Can we handle that? The answer is, of course we can. It will hurt like hell if we don't get pregnant again soon, and hurt even more if we have another loss, but we can get through it.