Friday, January 18, 2008

The most natural thing in the world...

2 posts in one day? Talk about overachieving! Don't get used to it though ;)

We've all heard that having a baby is the most natural thing in the world. As women, it's what our bodies were designed to do. So why the F&$K can't mine do it??

Taking Clomid was a really big step for me. It was the first time I realized and accepted that maybe I can't do this on my own. The one thing that is so fundamental to all women, and I need to take drugs in order to do it. I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was broken. It's very disconcerting to get to the point of needing medical assistance to have a baby. I had a hard time wrapping my head around that, so I held off as long as I could.

From the beginning, my husband and I wanted to keep the TTC process as fun, romantic, and non-stressful as possible. I didn't chart for the first 6 months. I had an idea of when I was ovulating but never told him. Our sex life stayed normal, which is great. Then I noticed the spotting problem. I would regularly spot for anywhere from 2-7 days before my period. Not normal. Once we got to about cycle 8, I started getting nervous. With my irregular cycles and spotting, I thought we may have some trouble. My Dr. gave me the Rx for Clomid, but I held off a few months because I wasn't ready for "help". We took a couple months "off". If I hadn't gotten pregnant when I did, I would have started Clomid the next cycle. But I got the BFP and figured that would be it, I wouldn't have to worry about it. And then the miscarriage happened.

So now I'm back to where I was. Facing the fact that I probably won't get (and stay) pregnant without meds. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with the decision I've made, because I think it's what I need to help with the spotting, but more importantly to give me a baby. I'm so ready to be pregnant and have a baby, and I'm willing to accept medical help if that's what it's going to take. I just still wish it hadn't come to that. Anyway, it just feels sort of bittersweet. I'm happy to be moving forward, but still sort of sad that I feel like my body has failed me.

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...even me. And everybody needs a place to let it out. My blog about trying to have a baby, loss, and life in general.