Holy Crap.

I am knocked up. Officially. I can't believe it, but it's happening. My heart was literally pounding while I was talking to the nurse. I went in for betas yesterday morning 14 days after my IUI, and they said they'd call that afternoon with the results. Lo and behold, at 11:10 am I get the call.

My HCG was 117, which is really good for 14DPIUI. I go back Saturday morning for more b/w, so those numbers better double!

Confession: I had actually tested Tuesday night and got a BFP, but I was afraid it was a false positive because of the trigger. I didn't want to post anything and "jinx" it til I got the official word.

Holy crap, is this really happening? :)

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

One of my favorite things to do its bake. I've decided to use this blog to post recipes I like. Last night I made peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, which were awesome. Nice and chewy, and not too dense. A lot of PB cookies end up with a shortbread consistency, which is good for some people, but I prefer a softer cookie.

One thing I might change would be to add more peanut butter. It calls for 1/2 cup, and I added almost 3/4 cup but it still wasn't super peanut buttery. If you like more PB flavor maybe try a whole cup. You could also try cutting down the chocolate chips since putting in the whole bag makes it very chocolatey. However, cutting out any chocolate is equal to treason in my mind, so I will always use the full bag of chips.

Also, the recipe calls for it to bake 12-14 min. That is WAY too long. I like my cookies a bit undercooked, but even when I baked them for 10 minutes they were really brown on the outside. 8-9 minutes seems to work well (if you like gooey cookies).

Recipe: (from Allrecipes.com)

PEANUT BUTTER CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup peanut butter
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
2 tablespoons water
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups chopped semisweet chocolate

DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
In a large bowl, cream together the butter, peanut butter, brown sugar, and white sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then stir in the corn syrup, water, and vanilla. Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt; stir into the peanut butter mixture. Fold in chocolate chunks. Drop by 1/4 cupfuls 3 inches apart onto ungreased baking sheets.
Bake for 12 to 14 minutes in the preheated oven, or until edges are golden. Allow cookies to cool for 1 minute on the cookie sheet before removing to wire racks to cool completely.

American Idol

I'll admit it. I love American Idol. I have since the first season. I don't care if it's the cheesiest, most corporate produced sack of fake. They actually get some really talented people and I enjoy watching them develop into stars. So yes, I've been sucked in. Sue me.

So last night, we lose David Hernandez. Coincidentally, this is only one week after we learn of his alleged previous job as a male stripper at a gay club. For the record, I couldn't care less if the next American Idol used to give lap dances to horny gay guys. Seriously, what he did before Idol doesn't matter. If he's talented enough, I'll support him. However, I realize that a good chunk of the AI voting public is not quite as liberal as I am in this area, so I do recognize why David's "scandalous" past could cause a problem for the producers.

The cynic in me thinks there has to be a connection between David's premature ouster and this news. He made it into the top 12, so the producers couldn't say, "Well we didn't get rid of him!" But then he magically is gone the next week. Now I'll admit that his performance of "I Saw Her Standing There" was one of his weakest yet, but he had proven himself with some prior stellar performances. He deserved at least a couple more weeks.

So did the producers have a hand in this? Or did the conservative American voters decide a gay stripper was not the kind of role model our children should have? Were they tired of all the Davids and figured we needed to lose one? I guess we'll never know!

Here's how I think the voting will go down:

11.Syesha Mercado
10.Kristy Lee Cook
9. Ramiele Malubay
8. Chikezie Eze
7. Amanda Overmeyer (she's the bad singer who will stay way longer than she should. Thanks Vote for the Worst!)
6. Brooke White (she is super talented but won't connect with America, so she'll go home sooner than she should.)
5. Michael Johns
4. Jason Castro
3. Carly Smithson
2. David Cook
1. David Archuleta

Here's how I think the voting SHOULD go down:

11.Amanda Overmeyer
10.Kristy Lee Cook
9. Syesha Mercardo
8. Ramiele Malubay
7. Michael Johns (even though he's my crush this season, he's pretty average in this group)
6. Chikezie Eze
5. David Cook
4. Jason Castro
3. Brooke White
2. Carly Smithson
1. David Archuleta

Let's see how many I get right!

I've been sperminated!

Yes, that's right. This morning we got to experience the magic of my husband jerking off into a cup and then getting it shoved up inside me through a tube. How romantic. It's not how I pictured our child being conceived, but I also never pictured it taking over a year and having a m/c. So there's a lot to re-adjust to.

I go back in 2 weeks to get a blood test. I won't be using any home pregnancy tests, I'm just going to wait for the results of the b/w. I am going to try (emphasis on TRY) not to think about it during the next 2 weeks. Easier said than done, but I can't keep focusing on this. I'm ready to drive myself nuts.

All in all, this process has been tough for Brian and I. For a number of reasons, we've decided that if this IUI doesn't work, we're going to take a break from TTC for a few months. No charts, no meds, no blood tests. We need to take some time to focus on our relationship and reconnect. If I get pregnant during that time then great, but we won't be doing anything extraordinary to try and make it happen.

I think it will also be a good opportunity for me to expand my blogging beyond just TTC. I need to focus on other parts of my life, so I might as well blog about them!

How I feel about TTC right now :)

Who knew dress shopping could be depressing?

I went to visit my parents yesterday, and my mom and I went to the mall. I wanted to start looking at dresses for my brother in law's wedding in May. It's still early but I just wanted to get an idea of what was out there. Now, unlike most women, I'm not a fan of trying on clothes. I have a hard time finding stuff that fits me, and seeing myself in those awful mirrors while shimmying into clothes that are too tight just doesn't make me feel great about myself.

But I sucked it up and tried on a bunch of dresses at Macy's. It seems that the empire waist is a big style now. It looks cute, but it also makes you look pregnant. I already have a belly - from fat, not a baby, so this doesn't help the situation. I actually looked pregnant in some of the dresses, and because I like to torture myself, I stuck my stomach out more to see what I would look like pregnant in this dress.

Suddenly it hit me, that if I hadn't miscarried, I would be about 37 weeks pregnant at the wedding. I would need a super-maternity dress, but I would be so close to having a baby. That thought made me tear up, right there in the dressing room. I should have been ready to pop by the end of May. Now, I'll be lucky if I'm even pregnant at all by the wedding.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not being pregnant. I'm sick of feeling like a failure because I can't get and stay pregnant. I'm sick of making excuses for not losing this excess weight. And most of all, I'm sick of letting TTC take such control over my life and my happiness.